—The Editors
When you’re in it, you can’t see past it. Whisper through a portal, a suspension of memory
rings the city, now seen only from a distance at broken angles.
I came to the city. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here across the whole breadth of my life, but I really don’t recall how I came to be here or exactly when I got here. By the time I thought to look, I couldn’t find any of the people I knew. I questioned if they’d just departed. Maybe they had never been here. Instead of obsessing over this disconcerting fact, I forged what I could with the others, and we nestled together. Villages inserted into this vast and sometimes unbelievable space.
We moved in and out of the echoing flats that preceded us and will outlast our senescence. The builders, people who were once like us, are gone. Like us except that in their building they had purpose and agency. I wondered if they realized that we would be consigned to wander their craft in nullification.
Fortification, occupation, stagnation, violence, vacancy, migration. When the builders made these constructions, there was a reason to build. Once the pinnacle was mounted, the wave crested and retreated. Cities contract like a pupil caught in a sudden blast of light.
Fortification, occupation, stagnation, violence, vacancy, migration. When the builders made these constructions, there was a reason to build. Once the pinnacle was mounted, the wave crested and retreated. Cities contract like a pupil caught in a sudden blast of light.
I went looking for my people once more. At one point I found myself waiting at the terminal for my brother to arrive. I think he called to say that he was coming. There was a working vending machine that sold food I could afford to eat. I stalked the concourse and brushed against a tide of people heading to the platforms. They carried massive bags, their bundles hanging off their arms and dragging behind them. Small children perched precariously on elbow crooks or trundled their own little packs. Only a few people passed me the other way, their ashen faces telling me that in their hearts they also wanted to turn around and join the passengers departing the city. A few trains dislodged their uneasy passengers. I crept down a side staircase to see if my brother was held up down below, or was somehow stuck or incapacitated. Even then, one wasn’t allowed to be on the platform without a ticket, but there was very little reason for anyone to enforce this. I couldn’t find him anywhere. Time passed, and I began to wonder if it was my brother that had called me. I picked up and spoke into an empty receiver in the middle of the night. I came to understand that this condition, conflating memories with dreams (or other phantoms of the mind), is pervasive in this place.
Light from the fires bounces off the low cloud canopy, the sky pools into a cauldron. The city is a husk, once alive and now desiccated. History is hollowed, but only through having involuted itself for this long; every point in every stratum of time acts on the other. We create no space. We take over what we can, we push out and constrict and twist everything up. Each event is relative to every other, yet seems to be at any given point something original: both a cause and a kind of collateral effect. Discrete acts radiate out into a field, back into the past and on up ahead through tomorrow. The interleaving jangle of experience never ceases, moving always to subvert the regiment of memory.
We share this separation; the builders are gone and our agency, however dulled, takes over. We’re together out here, yet utterly alone. We went forth by night.
It makes avoiding the brutality all the more interesting, almost like a game. Lurk, watch, and see. Making more of these impossible scenarios, create a fissure to look at them again, reify and ratify. It pitches everything to the same level. Two people fornicating in a trash heap, a child out treading these streets alone in the middle of the night, teeth seen under lips curled in laughter or terror—a continuum of need.
The city continues to empty. The forces that suffuse it are ever more monstrous. We feel it—especially when we’re up on the rooftops. We can almost hear the sound of breath borne across the knit of the fall night air. Although it may be just the sound our own ears make. You think you can see more from up there, but it’s a different vision. Street level eyes and street level platitudes; what is the vision and voice up here? Looking past the roof perimeter and on into the city’s space, you sense being on the prow of a great ship that’s incessantly keeling.
From this vantage we see the void out there as well as the void close by. I need to trace these thoughts in a book, thoughts the shapes of the people who have passed, those who are passing, and those who will go forth. If you are in it, we are speaking to you not only across an expanse of time but also across the precession from this life to after. If you are in this book, you are a memory, a cipher, and a hex.
*
I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of words. Some pulled down as they drift through the night, unguarded. Overheard on some plane of being or other.
Language is a problem because it gives a structure to thought that we mistake for the structure of the real. And the real only works because it is shaped in a way we can recognize, understand. Both covet and corrupt. The authorities of this world were smart about that, making what is seem more real by damping it down a bit. You know, if we could truly be in the real, it would blow us apart. This clinking little maquette is matched much better to the human dynamic.
With enough attention, and maybe even trying to revive what human care and concern may have pooled, we’ll end up back here, but with a shift from before. Like everyone else, I have been conflating memories with dreams. It is not too far a jump to conflate dreams with hopes. Architecture and hope together keeling and keening, and though we are not of this city, we are still in it. Strip the wood off the windows and see what is beyond me out there.