THE AMERICAN BOYS PROJECT
Half my family is Ojibwe Native American and the other is strict Pentecostal ultraconservative Christian. When I first came out as gay, it was confusing because I was still attracted to guys but I would be disgusted when they were attracted to me. So for a long time I considered myself as agender and not attracted to anyone. Then I realized that what I was really feeling was that I couldn’t handle guys being attracted to me and perceiving me as female, that’s what it was. I wanted them to see me as male. It was a very confusing lot of years.
But now I know who I am, I am a queer trans man. And it feels really good to finally feel comfortable saying that. Another really difficult part of my transition was that I never thought I could because I’m chronically ill, I have a rare blood-clotting disorder that can be best described as “rusty veins,” which makes my blood want to clot everywhere. I didn’t want to come out and truly accept I was trans in my heart and then not be able to transition because of my illness. That would have just crushed me, so I just denied it to myself for a long time thinking, “It’s not going to hurt if I don’t let it happen.”